Dear Future Self:

No matter how pretty you think the sparkly gift wrapping paper is at target next Christmas season, DO NOT buy it! You will be finding glitter on everything in your house from magazines to oranges to your cats. It will not be swiffered up, it will not be dust-busted. No matter how much you try, glitter will be everywhere.

Even if you convince yourself that you can do all the wrapping downstairs and therefore contain all sparkliness - it can't happen. It will get in your hair, in between your toes, and on your fingernails.

So I know that you can be somewhat of a raccoon and the silver paper with shiny, bright, sparkly snowflakes is tempting, don't do it. Just don't. It's not worth the glitter in the cat food later on.

Still vacuuming -

EB

Dear Oriental Trading Company:

Imagine my surprise when I opened up my mail today at my place of work, and found not one, not two, but seven December/January Catalogs from your company. That's right, seven of the exact same catalogs to one address. Three were addressed to the three former secretaries at the church (their employment ranging all the way back to when your company opened) one to the minister, one addressed straight up to just 'The Church', one to a member of the congregation that I am quite sure doesn't receive any of his other mail there, and one to me. (Which, by the way how did you know who I was? We haven't ordered anything from you in years, and I have never interacted with you.)

Anyway, the whole thing seems a little inefficient to me. Seven catalogs for one place? It seems a little excessive. I'm not one to tell you how to run your business, but six of those catalogs ended up straight in the recycling bin. I don't know how much money mailing a catalog is, but if you're doing this to more people than just us, I am sure that you could save quite a bit of money by consolidating.

I would call and tell you all this, but I am too busy mailing out the newsletters that we also email people and put out in hard copy in the foyer for people to pick up.

Wait a second . . .

EB

Dear Facebook:

I have never complained about any of your changes. I have never joined the groups entitled '5,000,000 to get Facebook to change back to it's old format' or 'Click here if you think the new Facebook sucks!' I understand that Facebook will once in a while have to change. And once in a while, it might be weird to figure out, or I might not like it. No one likes change, and hey, me especially.

But I really am kind of upset you won't automatically import my blog now. Because there are four authors, it was really neat to just have one place it posted all entries for us to read, and for our adoring public to read (all two of them). And now I have to do the work, instead of just sitting around and letting you do all the work, which has kind of been my Mode of Operation.

So consider this my one time to tell everybody that you are awful, your changes make me want to punch Mark Zuckerberg in the face, yada, yada, yada.

Unsincerely,

EB

Dear Adam Sandler:

You have to stop making movies. You have to stop. It's no good anymore, for anyone.

And this is coming from someone that still walks around and says things like 'Everybody knows that shampoo is better than conditioner, ' and 'Shtop Looking at me Schwann', and 'Peeing your pants is cool!'.

But seriously, the nineties are over and so are the years you had where it was feasible that you and Jennifer Anniston would fall in love. Just quit while you are (marginally) ahead, okay? Let us all remember you as Opera Man and the dude who made it onto alternative radio stations with a song called 'Lunch Lady Land'.

Did you know most people are saying that the reviews for your latest movie are funnier than the movie itself? It's just sad. And don't even get me started on your fascination with Kevin James, and the most awful two hours of my life that were called 'Don't mess with the Zohan' ( I was literally dragged to that one and gloated all the way home about how bad it was).

Just stop. Thanks.

-EB

Dear Schlotzsky's:

I am just writing to inform you that I am sorry I wrote you off in high school 12 years ago - but you had olives on ALL of your sandwiches, and I don't do olives. So I blew you off, decided I wouldn't give you a second thought, and never visited you again.

Until today.

A co-worker who was pleased with work I did for her this week offered me lunch, and then said 'How about Schlotzsky's?' She is a lovely old lady and I couldn't turn her down so I thought, sure, I will just find something there.

Cue the Cranberry, Appl,e Chicken & Pecan salad.

I can't even explain the party in my mouth right now. Rosemary bread croutons, grilled chicken pieces, pecans, goat cheese, spinach, romaine lettuce and red wine vinaigrette. And to top it off, a whole apple, sliced into four pieces lying on top.

Seriously thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I am sorry I wrote you off all those years ago. I don't even know if you still do the olives in the sandwiches thing, but at this point, it does not matter.

Salivating slightly,

EB

Dear Blue Cross & Blue Shield of Kansas City:

If you are going to send me a questionnaire every month about having secondary insurance, then I am going to send it back every month empty, and then march over and fill it out on the internet every time. Why? I like the idea of making you pay for postage each month for no information from me.

Plus, if you look at what you are charging us each month for health insurance, and think we have any money left over for stamps, let alone MORE insurance, you have more problems collectively then paying 44 cents for my blank envelope.

You are killing me,

(and then making me pay through the nose for the medical bills afterwards)

-E

Dear Olive Garden

I would like to state here and now that I think you are making up words that sound Italian but that are really nonsense. I mean, come on. Pastachetti? Gorgoletta? Mostoguini?

I for one, am not fooled.

Sincerely -
EB

Dear Guy at Target:

There are very few acceptable reasons to storm into the store, go straight to a check-out clerk, interrupt her while she's checking a customer out, and ask to speak to the manager immediately. The list is as follows:

-You are on fire.
-Your car is on fire.
-Your car is gone.
-Someone is mugging an old lady outside.
-Target is on fire and no one knows it.

Here is the reason you gave, (after the scared clerk mumbled 'ok', called her manager over and asked if there was a problem while you both waited):

-'Yeah, I need to buy a keychain and I don't want to have to look all over the store for them.'

Do you see the difference?

Completely disgusted at your entitled attitude -
Emily
(who DID walk all over the store to try and find some ribbon, without once asking for a manager.)

Dear HGTV -

I enjoy our show House Hunters, and I have for quite some time. I like seeing the different areas of the cities I have never been to. I like trying to guess what the real estate agent will show next. I even like betting on whether or not the couple/slash family will stay within the budget first stated. (Usually not.) ( "Hi, I'm the economy, have we met? No? Have you met my friend the housing market, he got in a little bit of trouble a while ago - didn't hear about it? Good. Good. Welcome home!")

I like seeing the three top choices that families have when looking for a new house, and I love picking the one I would move into. Although, this does end up with me yelling at the TV when a wrong (according to me) decision is made. ('But house #3 had hardwood floors and neutral bedroom colors!! NEUTRAL COLORS!!')

It is also a great TV show to have on when I am also perusing the interwebs or playing Word With Friends on my phone because I am interested but not that invested. Sometimes naps even occur while watching your show, but I don't view that as a bad thing.

What I am not ok with however, is the new version: House Hunters International.

I have never really seen a more pretentious show in my life.

I don't need to see a family from England looking for an extra vacation home in Fiji, or a couple from New York buying an estate in Sicily because someone's great-great-great grandmother grew up there and they want to connect with their heritage. (Why not just tell the truth and say you want the wine? There's no shame in that.)

In fact, here are recent things I have actually heard people say on House Hunters International:

'This view of the ocean is nice, but we'd really enjoy it if we also had an infinity pool in our backyard instead of a regular one.'

'I like the first house, but I think the second house would make my family more jealous.'

'If we have a child, all seven bedrooms might be a necessity.'

'We have to be close to the capital, in case the American President ever comes and visits.'

'If I can't walk to the beach in less than thirty steps, I am too far away from the beach.'

'I know I am in Italy and when people move out of their house in Italy it is totally normal and acceptable for them to take everything in the kitchen with them, but I am a whiny American and I want you to find me a house where they are willing to sell me everything including the mixer and knives and the clothes hamper in the third bathroom - and oh - did I tell you I am moving here because I want my family to embrace a new culture?'

(I might have made that last one up.)

Anyway, you get the idea. They are less than charming, and I find it hard to watch.

Because as it stands now, I tend to root against these people getting a house at all, let alone a four bedroom, three bathroom ocean-side villa in New Zealand.

Sincerely yours,
(Hope you are not mad about the sleeping part (seriously, not a bad thing!)),

Emily B
future star of House Un-hunters: Living in one house for fifty years and feelin' fine.

Dear Time Warner Cable:

I saw a commercial today in which you were telling all your wonderful customers about how you were changing the line-up of your channels. The guy in the blue shirt who was telling me this seemed really excited about these big improvements coming. But here's what I say to you -

Stop. Messing. With. The. Channels.

Do you know this is the third time in three months that you have messed up my channels? Do you know that every time you mess with the line-up my TV is messed up for a week while I try to find the Food Network which is now 987 instead of 234? Do you know how annoying it is to search through the 200+ channels(because every channel is tripled on the line-up plus the HD version) trying to 'favorite' Comedy Central so I can watch The Colbert Report?

Not cool, Time Warner, not cool.

Sincerely,
Reading More books in KC

Dear City of Overland Park

You may not accept my online first aid certification, but I am still gonna claim it for my taxes next year. And you should really put that in the ordinance - the fact that you don't accept certain kinds of certification.

Thanks for being jerks,
me