Dear Target Corp:

Well Hello!!

I just wanted to let you know that it might be time to rethink your posters at the end of the check-out aisles that talk about 'Doing Good in the Community'.

It's not that I don't believe you, or that I think the posters are ugly, it's simply a matter of poor graphic design at the bottom of the poster. Your poster advertises that you 'Do Good' with a '%' sign in the middle. But in one of the circles there is a five, to get the message across that 5% of your retail sales go to the community.

I get it, I understand what you are going for, but it looks like your message is 'Do only 5% good, the other %95 is up to you.'

It makes me giggle silently to myself every time.

Just looking out for you,
me

Dear Dr. Oz,

Remember when we first met you on Oprah? and you were this nice doctor man that everyone trusted with their most personal questions and then afterwards everyone felt like they learned something, and also felt a little embarrassed for the people asking the questions? Those were good times. Now you have gotten a little more famous, gotten your own show, (congrats)..but I think you have changed Dr. Oz, and here is what my main issue is..

Your television promos are scarier than the evening news promos.. You know the ones where they're like, "What are you feeding your children for dinner that might be giving them swine flu?...Tune in at 10." Because when you tell me that "Everyone has cancer" and you are going to tell us how to save our lives on your afternoon show, or that something I do everyday might be killing me..or I probably have some weird disease and won't know it till it's too late..

1. That doesn't make me feel good about life.

2. It makes me think you are a cruel liar who uses scare tactics to get ratings.

3. It tells me not to watch your show because it will just kick my hypochondria into full gear, and that's not good for my health.

Can't we just go back to the time when we came to you when we had concerns about our health? Instead of being scared to death of what will happen if we don't watch daytime tv?

Here's to a healthy 2010,

Becca

Dear Dwayne Bowe, of the Kansas City Chiefs:

It's too bad that those 'performance enhancing drugs' that you were taking and got suspended for didn't actually enhance your performance. I mean really, if you're going to get caught, at least make it because you had a game with 22 catches for 224 yards and 6 touchdowns, and people are suspicious.

Absolutely not shocked,
me

Dear Facebook-

No, I will not 'become a fan' of Walmart, thank you.

-Emily B

Dear Lady at Target:

Here are some words and phrases that I think you should learn. And after you learn them, you should start teaching them to your kids - because they have obviously never heard them.

1. No
2. Stop
3. Come back here
4. Put that down
5. Don't
6. Unacceptable
7. Don't hit me
8. Don't hit your sister
9. Don't hit strangers
10. No stealing
11. Don't throw things
12. You cannot have candy
13. You cannot have a toy
14. You cannot have a puppy, they don't sell them at Target anyway
15. Timeout
16. Punishment
17. Consequences
18. Rules
19. Be polite
20. No

Sincerely -
the lady your child tried to hit.

Letters concerning the VMA's two nights ago:

Dear Kermit the Frog-
You know I love you, boo. But what on Earth were you doing kissing Lady Gaga so many times last night? Although she did reach muppet-like heights in both her costume and make-up attire, I just don't see a future for you two. I'll bet Piggy was trying to do more than just read your poker face when you got home.

Keeping you g-rated-
me



Dear Russell Brand -

You are not funny, or entertaining. Or for that matter, a good human being.

Sincerely -
Everybody in the ENTIRE WORLD!



Dear Kanye West -
Please never stop being you. I mean really, was anything as entertaining last night as you hauling your drunk self up onstage and proclaiming that Beyonce had the best video ever right in the middle of Taylor Swift's acceptance speech? No, nothing was better than that. We all know that you get upset when you don't win, but adding a tantrum when people you think should have won don't is true brilliance. Please don't stop ever. What will the world talk about without you and your shenanigans?

Maintaining your street cred -
me



Dear Madonna -

You look like Sharon Stone.

Quit with the surgery-
me

Dear Brett Farve, Fav-re, FARRve, Favre,

Ok. I wasn't really surprised by the news that you decided to come out of "retirement" again. And I don't really care one way or another. But, you do know that eventually you will have to retire for real, and people won't want you to be their quarterback anymore.. it is going to happen... you will have to say that you are going to stop playing football. And then STOP playing football. and then some pathetic team like the Chiefs (just kiddin' chiefies, i loves you) will offer you a deal to come play for them for a season, even though you decided to "retire" and you are going to have to be strong and say "No, I decided to STOP playing football now." And then you can have all the joys of being a retired football legend like being a sports commentator and going on Dancing with the Stars!! You may not get a superbowl ring this season Brett, but that disco ball trophy awaits you!

But until then, I just want you to be happy Brett Favre.

.. and I want the Chiefs to beat you this weekend.

#4 forever! (seriously, he's going to play forever.),

-me