Dear Lady at Target:

Here are some words and phrases that I think you should learn. And after you learn them, you should start teaching them to your kids - because they have obviously never heard them.

1. No
2. Stop
3. Come back here
4. Put that down
5. Don't
6. Unacceptable
7. Don't hit me
8. Don't hit your sister
9. Don't hit strangers
10. No stealing
11. Don't throw things
12. You cannot have candy
13. You cannot have a toy
14. You cannot have a puppy, they don't sell them at Target anyway
15. Timeout
16. Punishment
17. Consequences
18. Rules
19. Be polite
20. No

Sincerely -
the lady your child tried to hit.

Letters concerning the VMA's two nights ago:

Dear Kermit the Frog-
You know I love you, boo. But what on Earth were you doing kissing Lady Gaga so many times last night? Although she did reach muppet-like heights in both her costume and make-up attire, I just don't see a future for you two. I'll bet Piggy was trying to do more than just read your poker face when you got home.

Keeping you g-rated-
me



Dear Russell Brand -

You are not funny, or entertaining. Or for that matter, a good human being.

Sincerely -
Everybody in the ENTIRE WORLD!



Dear Kanye West -
Please never stop being you. I mean really, was anything as entertaining last night as you hauling your drunk self up onstage and proclaiming that Beyonce had the best video ever right in the middle of Taylor Swift's acceptance speech? No, nothing was better than that. We all know that you get upset when you don't win, but adding a tantrum when people you think should have won don't is true brilliance. Please don't stop ever. What will the world talk about without you and your shenanigans?

Maintaining your street cred -
me



Dear Madonna -

You look like Sharon Stone.

Quit with the surgery-
me

Dear Brett Farve, Fav-re, FARRve, Favre,

Ok. I wasn't really surprised by the news that you decided to come out of "retirement" again. And I don't really care one way or another. But, you do know that eventually you will have to retire for real, and people won't want you to be their quarterback anymore.. it is going to happen... you will have to say that you are going to stop playing football. And then STOP playing football. and then some pathetic team like the Chiefs (just kiddin' chiefies, i loves you) will offer you a deal to come play for them for a season, even though you decided to "retire" and you are going to have to be strong and say "No, I decided to STOP playing football now." And then you can have all the joys of being a retired football legend like being a sports commentator and going on Dancing with the Stars!! You may not get a superbowl ring this season Brett, but that disco ball trophy awaits you!

But until then, I just want you to be happy Brett Favre.

.. and I want the Chiefs to beat you this weekend.

#4 forever! (seriously, he's going to play forever.),

-me

Dear producers, hosts, writers and whoever else wants to credit for that show they call 'The View'-

I used to watch your show quite a bit when it first started. I thought it was clever, and entertaining. Now granted, as the years have passed, and the quality of your show has decidedly gone downhill, I have stopped watching due to classes, jobs, and in general having a life.

However, in the last few weeks, I have had some time off from a summer job, and I decided one day to give your show a try.

I should have know better.

The show was annoying for all the regular reasons. You yelled at each other and talked over each other. You insulted people who weren't there to defend themselves. You gave misinformation. And after all that, I decided to stay tuned, because you were going to feature people from a A&E show called 'Obsessed" which chronicles the real-life struggles of people with OCD.

I, myself, have OCD, and I have found this show amazing, scary, and informative all at the same time. I was interested in seeing some of the people talk about their therapy and their different phobias and rituals.

Once again, I should have known better.

You never gave them a chance. You had two people on the show who had OCD and you belittled their disorder, you made fun of the treatment methods the Doctors used with them, and you never let them complete their sentences. You reduced OCD into nothing more than something to laugh at, and something that is 'weird' and 'other'.

So congratulations, Barabara Walters and crew, for making those of us out here with OCD who aren't diagnosed or in treatment ashamed of what we have, or making others of us just extremely pissed and what you did on the show last week. Thanks for giving people no hope, for giving people no information that was factual, and thanks for sensationalizing and villianizing what could be a very helpful show for people.

And just to clear up some of the misinformation you gave out so willingly - having an organized closet does not automatically diagnose you with OCD, people with OCD aren't always obsessed or afraid of germs like you insinuated, and radical treatments like having a man put trash in his hands or on his face may sound 'weird' to you, but are life-changing, research driven methods of helping people overcome a really crappy way they have been living life.

Perhaps you should research something before you pretend to be an expert, or perhaps you should actually let some of the experts you invite on the show talk for once. Believe it or not, I am way more interested in what the Doctor with a PHD has to say about my problem that you, Whoopi Goldberg, or Joy Behar.

I am never watching your show again. I don't care if Rosie O'Donnell comes back and eats Elizabeth Hasselback, I'll just watch the recap on 'The Soup' and watch Joel McHale laugh at all of you.

Never been quite so angry -
Me

Dear Arby's:

I love your French Dip and Swiss Sandwich -

But not enough to wait 23 minutes in a drive through line.

Sincerely -
Still Hungry.

Dear Neighbor -

Dear Neighbor -
I am just dropping you a note to let you know that your fixation on annoyingly loud cars is very strange to me. It started with a little red thing that apparently had no muffler whatsoever. What I could never understand is why it continued to have no muffler for weeks, months, years. Did you like how loud it was? Did you enjoy that at 6:00 every morning to could put the pedal to the floor and literally wake the entire neighborhood up? Because really, I would be embarrassed. Everything was fine when you got rid of that car, and we thought everything was back to normal, but then you brought home the black car with flames that is currently idling right outside my house and shaking my windows. And if that's not enough, you insist on running the engine all the time, at all hours so that you can work on the engine. Newsflash: If the car sounds that bad, there is no help.

So here's the deal: you stop buying loud annoying cars, and I will pretend to ignore the fact that your kids pee in the backyard. Deal?


Your friendly neighbor -
me

Dear NBC Action News Team:

THANKS. A LOT. FOR AIRING THE ENTIRE THURSDAY NIGHT LINE-UP EXCEPT FOR THE OFFICE...If I hadn't been so angry and yet still unable to find the energy to look up your phone number, I would have thanked you personally over the phone. Just be happy that my dog looked too cute sleeping on my lap and wondering why I was screaming at the weatherman for me to move him and call you guys. Seriously, can you not pick up programming from the point in which, 30 seconds into my favorite show you replaced the punchline of the joke with Gary Lezak's face and proceeded for 28 and 1/2 minutes to say things that could have scrolled silently across the tv? (which you did, by the way, across the faces of 30 Rock characters that were unfortunately placed too close to the top of the screen.) I will end my letter now, but not because I can't think of more things to say to you, but because unlike your late-breaking weather updates I know how to quickly make my point and THEN STOP TALKING! Now give me my OFFICE!

Sincerely,

So mad at you I can't even think of an interesting sign off