Wednesday, August 22, 2012

new blog

We are integrating these letters into our other blog.  So follow us over at See you there!

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Dear Late Night With Jimmy Fallon:

I love the fact that you are doing a 'Broadway Week' on your show. I love that you are encouraging people to see shows, and featuring some of the most talented people America might not know on a national level. But had you done this three weeks ago, we would have seen Darren Criss sing in 'How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying" in stead of Nick Jonas, and the world would have been a much happier place. Just a thought.

Sincerest of all sincerelys,

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Dear United States Post Office:

I wanted to start by saying that I really appreciate the fact that you deliver my mail almost everyday without fail. I like the way you encourage the mail people to smile and say 'hi' if I happen to be outside while they are delivering the mail, rocking their headphones and awesome shorts. And I like the fact that you have an automated machine that does almost everything for me at the post office, so I don't have to interact with any real humans.

Listen, I know it's been tough lately, wondering if you will get to stay open, trying to figure out how much you can raise stamp costs, laying off people left and right. i get it, you're going through a rough time. I mean, let's face it, after email became popular, you were probably all 'We're so Screwed!' And it all went downhill from there.

With all that said, I really just want to offer one tiny suggestion. Maybe when you have a line of over thirty people at your counter, you should call another person up instead of just making one poor post office worker handle it all. Because that one guy, that poor little dude got dumped all over the entire forty five minutes I wasn't hanging out in line. (Oh yeah, did I mention I was there is line for forty five minutes? Because I was.) Every time he called another person up to help them, he got an earful about how long the line was. And I guess it was just not within his job authority to go get someone else. And even though maybe four to five completely separate workers walked in and did something at the counter, thus seeing the situation their friend was in, they all went back to where they had come from and did not help.

If you could get some heads together and try to figure out how to solve some of these problems, particularly the whole 'waiting in line for 45 minutes' things, I can assure you I would love to get the word out about how awesome you have become.

(I just wanted a roll of 100 stamps)

Friday, December 23, 2011

Dear Future Self:

No matter how pretty you think the sparkly gift wrapping paper is at target next Christmas season, DO NOT buy it! You will be finding glitter on everything in your house from magazines to oranges to your cats. It will not be swiffered up, it will not be dust-busted. No matter how much you try, glitter will be everywhere.

Even if you convince yourself that you can do all the wrapping downstairs and therefore contain all sparkliness - it can't happen. It will get in your hair, in between your toes, and on your fingernails.

So I know that you can be somewhat of a raccoon and the silver paper with shiny, bright, sparkly snowflakes is tempting, don't do it. Just don't. It's not worth the glitter in the cat food later on.

Still vacuuming -

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Dear Oriental Trading Company:

Imagine my surprise when I opened up my mail today at my place of work, and found not one, not two, but seven December/January Catalogs from your company. That's right, seven of the exact same catalogs to one address. Three were addressed to the three former secretaries at the church (their employment ranging all the way back to when your company opened) one to the minister, one addressed straight up to just 'The Church', one to a member of the congregation that I am quite sure doesn't receive any of his other mail there, and one to me. (Which, by the way how did you know who I was? We haven't ordered anything from you in years, and I have never interacted with you.)

Anyway, the whole thing seems a little inefficient to me. Seven catalogs for one place? It seems a little excessive. I'm not one to tell you how to run your business, but six of those catalogs ended up straight in the recycling bin. I don't know how much money mailing a catalog is, but if you're doing this to more people than just us, I am sure that you could save quite a bit of money by consolidating.

I would call and tell you all this, but I am too busy mailing out the newsletters that we also email people and put out in hard copy in the foyer for people to pick up.

Wait a second . . .


Friday, December 2, 2011

Dear Facebook:

I have never complained about any of your changes. I have never joined the groups entitled '5,000,000 to get Facebook to change back to it's old format' or 'Click here if you think the new Facebook sucks!' I understand that Facebook will once in a while have to change. And once in a while, it might be weird to figure out, or I might not like it. No one likes change, and hey, me especially.

But I really am kind of upset you won't automatically import my blog now. Because there are four authors, it was really neat to just have one place it posted all entries for us to read, and for our adoring public to read (all two of them). And now I have to do the work, instead of just sitting around and letting you do all the work, which has kind of been my Mode of Operation.

So consider this my one time to tell everybody that you are awful, your changes make me want to punch Mark Zuckerberg in the face, yada, yada, yada.


Sunday, November 13, 2011

Dear Adam Sandler:

You have to stop making movies. You have to stop. It's no good anymore, for anyone.

And this is coming from someone that still walks around and says things like 'Everybody knows that shampoo is better than conditioner, ' and 'Shtop Looking at me Schwann', and 'Peeing your pants is cool!'.

But seriously, the nineties are over and so are the years you had where it was feasible that you and Jennifer Anniston would fall in love. Just quit while you are (marginally) ahead, okay? Let us all remember you as Opera Man and the dude who made it onto alternative radio stations with a song called 'Lunch Lady Land'.

Did you know most people are saying that the reviews for your latest movie are funnier than the movie itself? It's just sad. And don't even get me started on your fascination with Kevin James, and the most awful two hours of my life that were called 'Don't mess with the Zohan' ( I was literally dragged to that one and gloated all the way home about how bad it was).

Just stop. Thanks.