Dear Big A** Fans

Dear BigA**Fans,

Thank you for your entertaining billboard on I-35 to make me giggle on my homeward commute every day. However, you should know that while I appreciate your comedic boldness, I will not be buying a fan from a company that has a donkey's caboose as it's logo. Sorry.

Joke's on you,

Cool enough already

Dear Guy in the Blue Pick-Up Truck

As I pulled up next to your truck last evening on the way home from work, I have to admit, I was already a bit cranky. I was sick, I was tired, and had a headache the size of a small continent. I really didn't take too much notice of you at all, until you did something that I almost choke thinking about : You spit. Out the window. ON. MY. CAR.

You may not have noticed. I mean, heck, I have trouble seeing large car-sized objects all the time, especially when they are right next to me. How were you to know that other cars would actually drive on the road at the same time as you and you should LOOK before you decide to make the side of the road (or anywhere for that matter) your personal spitoon.

I can't imagine what a poor germophobe would've done with your loogie on their car. I'm bad enough about spit, I can't type the word loogie without wanting to throw up, let alone look at such a thing. I can't even share a spoon with my husband most of the time because I hate spit that much. So imagine what a stranger's spit must do to me. I can't even type anymore, because I'm fighting my gag reflex too hard. (seriously, my eyes are watering).

So let's just say that on top of everything else that yesterday threw at me, your spit in the wind was just not called for.

Not Charmed,
Me

Dear Whoopi Goldberg:

The Tony Awards were not your best work.

Sincerely,
Probably not the only person who didn't laugh once at your ridiculous schtick.

Dear Tom Cruise:

Your attempt to make me like you by appearing on the MTV movie awards on Sunday night did not even come close to that goal. In fact, it was perhaps one of the more awkward things I've seen you do (and I saw parts of Eyes Wide Shut, thankyouverymuch.) I don't believe for a second you are actually friends with Adam Sandler, nor do I believe that Adam Sandler was flatterd that you showed up and introduced him anyway. To me, you will always remain the creepier, arrogant half of an already whacked out couple. Even though I liked you in The Firm, a Few Good Men, Top Gun, and even Samuri, I will never like you personally. That thing with Oprah? That didn't help either, because I'm not particularly a fan of Oprah, either.

Also, I would like to know what is up with the see-through grey sweater you were rocking at the awards on Sunday. Did you know you could see through it to your man-boobs? Was that a deliberate desicion or a really bad stylist sanfu? Inquiring minds would like to know.

Sincerely not yours,
(ever),
Me