Dear Dwayne Bowe, of the Kansas City Chiefs:

It's too bad that those 'performance enhancing drugs' that you were taking and got suspended for didn't actually enhance your performance. I mean really, if you're going to get caught, at least make it because you had a game with 22 catches for 224 yards and 6 touchdowns, and people are suspicious.

Absolutely not shocked,
me

Dear Facebook-

No, I will not 'become a fan' of Walmart, thank you.

-Emily B

Dear Lady at Target:

Here are some words and phrases that I think you should learn. And after you learn them, you should start teaching them to your kids - because they have obviously never heard them.

1. No
2. Stop
3. Come back here
4. Put that down
5. Don't
6. Unacceptable
7. Don't hit me
8. Don't hit your sister
9. Don't hit strangers
10. No stealing
11. Don't throw things
12. You cannot have candy
13. You cannot have a toy
14. You cannot have a puppy, they don't sell them at Target anyway
15. Timeout
16. Punishment
17. Consequences
18. Rules
19. Be polite
20. No

Sincerely -
the lady your child tried to hit.

Letters concerning the VMA's two nights ago:

Dear Kermit the Frog-
You know I love you, boo. But what on Earth were you doing kissing Lady Gaga so many times last night? Although she did reach muppet-like heights in both her costume and make-up attire, I just don't see a future for you two. I'll bet Piggy was trying to do more than just read your poker face when you got home.

Keeping you g-rated-
me



Dear Russell Brand -

You are not funny, or entertaining. Or for that matter, a good human being.

Sincerely -
Everybody in the ENTIRE WORLD!



Dear Kanye West -
Please never stop being you. I mean really, was anything as entertaining last night as you hauling your drunk self up onstage and proclaiming that Beyonce had the best video ever right in the middle of Taylor Swift's acceptance speech? No, nothing was better than that. We all know that you get upset when you don't win, but adding a tantrum when people you think should have won don't is true brilliance. Please don't stop ever. What will the world talk about without you and your shenanigans?

Maintaining your street cred -
me



Dear Madonna -

You look like Sharon Stone.

Quit with the surgery-
me

Dear producers, hosts, writers and whoever else wants to credit for that show they call 'The View'-

I used to watch your show quite a bit when it first started. I thought it was clever, and entertaining. Now granted, as the years have passed, and the quality of your show has decidedly gone downhill, I have stopped watching due to classes, jobs, and in general having a life.

However, in the last few weeks, I have had some time off from a summer job, and I decided one day to give your show a try.

I should have know better.

The show was annoying for all the regular reasons. You yelled at each other and talked over each other. You insulted people who weren't there to defend themselves. You gave misinformation. And after all that, I decided to stay tuned, because you were going to feature people from a A&E show called 'Obsessed" which chronicles the real-life struggles of people with OCD.

I, myself, have OCD, and I have found this show amazing, scary, and informative all at the same time. I was interested in seeing some of the people talk about their therapy and their different phobias and rituals.

Once again, I should have known better.

You never gave them a chance. You had two people on the show who had OCD and you belittled their disorder, you made fun of the treatment methods the Doctors used with them, and you never let them complete their sentences. You reduced OCD into nothing more than something to laugh at, and something that is 'weird' and 'other'.

So congratulations, Barabara Walters and crew, for making those of us out here with OCD who aren't diagnosed or in treatment ashamed of what we have, or making others of us just extremely pissed and what you did on the show last week. Thanks for giving people no hope, for giving people no information that was factual, and thanks for sensationalizing and villianizing what could be a very helpful show for people.

And just to clear up some of the misinformation you gave out so willingly - having an organized closet does not automatically diagnose you with OCD, people with OCD aren't always obsessed or afraid of germs like you insinuated, and radical treatments like having a man put trash in his hands or on his face may sound 'weird' to you, but are life-changing, research driven methods of helping people overcome a really crappy way they have been living life.

Perhaps you should research something before you pretend to be an expert, or perhaps you should actually let some of the experts you invite on the show talk for once. Believe it or not, I am way more interested in what the Doctor with a PHD has to say about my problem that you, Whoopi Goldberg, or Joy Behar.

I am never watching your show again. I don't care if Rosie O'Donnell comes back and eats Elizabeth Hasselback, I'll just watch the recap on 'The Soup' and watch Joel McHale laugh at all of you.

Never been quite so angry -
Me

Dear Arby's:

I love your French Dip and Swiss Sandwich -

But not enough to wait 23 minutes in a drive through line.

Sincerely -
Still Hungry.

Dear Neighbor -

Dear Neighbor -
I am just dropping you a note to let you know that your fixation on annoyingly loud cars is very strange to me. It started with a little red thing that apparently had no muffler whatsoever. What I could never understand is why it continued to have no muffler for weeks, months, years. Did you like how loud it was? Did you enjoy that at 6:00 every morning to could put the pedal to the floor and literally wake the entire neighborhood up? Because really, I would be embarrassed. Everything was fine when you got rid of that car, and we thought everything was back to normal, but then you brought home the black car with flames that is currently idling right outside my house and shaking my windows. And if that's not enough, you insist on running the engine all the time, at all hours so that you can work on the engine. Newsflash: If the car sounds that bad, there is no help.

So here's the deal: you stop buying loud annoying cars, and I will pretend to ignore the fact that your kids pee in the backyard. Deal?


Your friendly neighbor -
me

Letters to reality TV shows

Dear ABC/The Bachelor/Chris Harrison:

Did you really need to take up four whole hours this week with your show? I mean, I know it was officially 'The most dramatic Finale ever' and everything, but seriously. Four hours?

Look, I can write it in three sentences: Jason was a good guy everyone loved, so they gave him his own show where he could hook up with as many girls as he wanted with no consequences. Turns out Jason is a Douchebag and in addition to getting way more than his 15 minutes of fame, also gets a lot of money from ABC to propose to one girl, and then break up with her and switch to another girl in front of millions of viewers. Oh yeah, and the next bacholorette is from Canada.

See?

Succinctly summing up your show -
me



Dear Chris Harrison/Host of above-mentioned show:

I really want to know if you're as invested in these people on your show as you say you are, and as you appear to be. It's kind of like while these people are looking for love, you're auditioning for new best friends. I have to say dude, it's a little weird/pathetic.

And the fact that you are getting SO worked up about defending the show against all the conspiracy theories and the people saying it doesn't work (How many succesful couples out of 16 seasons? 1.) is just boggling. Just maybe get another job, take a vacation? Just suggesting.


Sincerely-
me



Dear American Idol-
Every time that new judge opens her mouth all I hear at home is 'I am important, and therefore will talk forever about really generic things. Don't interrupt me, I am still talking.' And what's weird is, it's not my TV with the problem, it's her face.

Figured it out -
me


Dear American Idol Judges -

If when you say to someone 'You have too much of a musical theatre voice' you really mean 'You have an amazing voice and are way too good for this competition.' Then yes, I agree with you when you say that to contestants. Even if you say it like it's a bad thing.

Theatrically yours-
me

Dear Makers of Homestyle Two-Bite Cupcakes:

Dear Sir or Madam, or both:

I just wanted to inform you that your cupcakes are at least three or four bites big. And I think my mouth is pretty normal sized. Perhaps we should just call them mini-cupcakes, and then we don't force anybody to put more in their mouth than possible.

Just a suggestion.

Respectfully,
me

Dear dude running down the street:

If you are wearing a stocking hat, a scarf, a big coat and gloves, perhaps your bun huggers are not that appropriate for the bottom portion of your ensemble.

Come to think of it, I don't think bun huggers are ever an appropriate choice for clothing.



Just watching out for you -
me

Dear Work Ethic:

Alas, it seems like you and I will have to part ways for a while, because the more I hang out with you, the more everybody else sees me as a person that can do all the crap they can't get done. And the more I pronounce you faithfully as a friend, the more 'new jobs' I get added to my job description. And sadly, every time I come back from a great time spent with you, new projects have magically appeared on my desk, in my inbox, and in my boss's head for me.

So here's the deal, trusty friend, I can only see you in secret, when nobody is really watching. If I'm out in public again with you, I think I might start having to take a larger does of Prozac, due to the unusually large quantities of work that will find their way to me. But don't worry, I will be back in full force soon. It's not a break-up, it's a trial-separation.

Sincerely,
The overwhelmed and overworked girl who started out as temp and three weeks later has more responsibility than half the people in her building.

Dear Ladies at the Post Office:

A couple of things:

1.If I am the only person in the lobby with you, and you are talking in a normal volume, chances are, I can hear you. Especially when I catch snippets of the conversation that are about me. Like ‘That purse is really orange, isn’t it Bertie?’ or ‘do you think that purse is real crocodile? How do they get Crocodile in orange?’ Or my favorite ‘It’s too bright of a color, I think. I wouldn’t use it. It’s too much.’

Great. You wouldn’t have bought my bag. Good to know. In fact, I am so concerned about what you think about my purse, that I will immediately go out and buy something in a muted pastel blue. Or even better, the least offensive of all the beige ones I can find. And when I do, I will come back in, turn my back to fill out a label, and hope that you have another conversation about how wonderful my purse is so this time I can be validated as a human being.

2.Secondly, when I tell you that I’m trying to get my envelope to it’s destination the next day, that is not an opportunity for you to pluck another 12 dollars from the pocket of my recently unemployed-and-just-found-a-temporary-job-but-haven’t-received-a-paycheck-yet self.

I shouldn’t have to find out from another employee that there’s no need for that express mail package I just worked ten minutes on, and that first class mail will get there in one day because it’s so close to our zip code. Seriously? Why couldn’t your co-worker offer up this information instead of barely flicking her glance up off of her computer screen and then telling me completely erroneous facts in a tone suggesting that I was barely worth the time it took to speak them?

3.When I am standing right in front of you and you roll your eyes, I can most definitely see it.

4.I’m sincerely sorry you hate your job. I’m sincerely sorry you seem to dislike people in general. In fact, I’m sincerely sorry that I ever walked into your particular post office expecting to mail a letter. I mean really, what kind of gall must I have?


Sincerely –
The Fiesty Brunette.