Sunday, November 13, 2011

Dear Adam Sandler:

You have to stop making movies. You have to stop. It's no good anymore, for anyone.

And this is coming from someone that still walks around and says things like 'Everybody knows that shampoo is better than conditioner, ' and 'Shtop Looking at me Schwann', and 'Peeing your pants is cool!'.

But seriously, the nineties are over and so are the years you had where it was feasible that you and Jennifer Anniston would fall in love. Just quit while you are (marginally) ahead, okay? Let us all remember you as Opera Man and the dude who made it onto alternative radio stations with a song called 'Lunch Lady Land'.

Did you know most people are saying that the reviews for your latest movie are funnier than the movie itself? It's just sad. And don't even get me started on your fascination with Kevin James, and the most awful two hours of my life that were called 'Don't mess with the Zohan' ( I was literally dragged to that one and gloated all the way home about how bad it was).

Just stop. Thanks.

-EB

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Dear Schlotzsky's:

I am just writing to inform you that I am sorry I wrote you off in high school 12 years ago - but you had olives on ALL of your sandwiches, and I don't do olives. So I blew you off, decided I wouldn't give you a second thought, and never visited you again.

Until today.

A co-worker who was pleased with work I did for her this week offered me lunch, and then said 'How about Schlotzsky's?' She is a lovely old lady and I couldn't turn her down so I thought, sure, I will just find something there.

Cue the Cranberry, Appl,e Chicken & Pecan salad.

I can't even explain the party in my mouth right now. Rosemary bread croutons, grilled chicken pieces, pecans, goat cheese, spinach, romaine lettuce and red wine vinaigrette. And to top it off, a whole apple, sliced into four pieces lying on top.

Seriously thank you from the bottom of my heart, and I am sorry I wrote you off all those years ago. I don't even know if you still do the olives in the sandwiches thing, but at this point, it does not matter.

Salivating slightly,
EB