Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Dear Walgreens:

I think that every year we have this conversation. It seems that you don't listen to me Walgreens. I know you enjoy Halloween, and that you try to get a big push in sales this year, but the depths you're going to - well - let's just say that you're getting desperate, Walgreens. And no one likes a needy drug store.

The flying ghouls, the severed heads, the creppy sound effects in every corner, the fake cobwebs covering food and make-up items, the spider rings, the tombstones, the pumpkins. It's only the beginning. Why do you feel like you have to try so hard? You know that you are the only drug store for me, but when fall comes around, well, you're just a bit clingy. I know that if I need Halloween candy you're right down the street. I know that you carry an assortment of Halloween decorations, you don't have to fly them at me, or put them in every aisle to make sure I have enough life-like tombstones with real sound effects for my yard.

I don't need your black and orange Christmas lights for my house, I won't need a black cat pillow for my couch, and I certainly do not need a 12 foot ringwraith flying in my yard. Thanks, but no thanks, Walgreens, on your holiday to nowhere.

-Blech.
-Me.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Dear Mr. Creeper,

No, thank you for the compliment. No, thank you to the offer. No, I do not want to give you a nickname. What was that you just ordered? You want me to put honey in your coffee? Do you just like to hear me say 'honey'? Ass. Stop touching my hand. Stop talking to me. Take your drink and go. You should know, that from now on, I will do my best to see to it that we never speak face-to-face again.

And no, thank you, I don't want to come over and watch your kid.

Hold my hand again, you'll lose it-

Me

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Dear John McCain:

What exactly are you trying to say when you say you are the 'Original Maverick'? If by saying that, you hope to evoke images of you and Mel Gibson gambling and sleeping your way all over the Wild West with James Garner and Jodi Foster, then congratulations, that's exactly what comes to mind every time I hear your commercials.

Sincerely -
Confused American Citizen.