Dear Sales Guy from Pictage:

First of all, I am not your girlfriend, you don't have to call me everyday.
Secondly, I am not your mother, and consequently don't need an update about your kids.
Third, I am not a friend, and don't need to chit-chat about the weather when you call.
Fourth, and this is the most important, I am not an interested customer, as I believe I said to you in our first conversation.

Please delete my number from your base of clients, and delete me from your life. Thank You.

Bothered to the point of being creeped out,
Me.

Dear Simon Cowell:

I completely agree with your assessment of Fantasia's performance last night on American Idol. The only thing that saved it in my opinion was this face:

which was caught gleefully on camera for about two whole seconds. Thank you for bringing me just a tad bit of joy during that hot mess of a train wreck.

Still laughing -

Me

P.S. button your shirt, you tool!

Dear Heart:

Sorry about the Burger King last week. Twice.

Regretfully yours,
me

Dear Swell Season:

Thank you. Just. . . thank you.

blissed out and yours -
me

Dear lady behind me yesterday on Metcalf:

Trying to light a cigarette, replace your phone battery, and see over the dog on your lap does not a good driving situation make.

Pull over.

Sincerely,
The lady you gave the middle finger to when you were too distracted to see I was there, and almost careened into the back of me. (Clearly my fault, I deserved that middle finger.)

Dear Slim-Fast Optima Peanut Butter Crunch 120 calorie snack bars:

I though you were going to be lame. I admit, I did not hold much hope for you, especially after trying some of the other products in your line.

(I mean really, have you tasted whet your people call a meal bar? )

But oh, sweet, dear, lovely, delicious snack bar.....you are the answer to my midday drudgery, my post-mail stupor, you are the deliciousness that quenches my hunger.....and all because you my love, tatse exactly like a Butterfinger bar....

Thank you.

-Peanut butter-ally satisfied,
Me.