Dear Sales Guy from Pictage:

First of all, I am not your girlfriend, you don't have to call me everyday.
Secondly, I am not your mother, and consequently don't need an update about your kids.
Third, I am not a friend, and don't need to chit-chat about the weather when you call.
Fourth, and this is the most important, I am not an interested customer, as I believe I said to you in our first conversation.

Please delete my number from your base of clients, and delete me from your life. Thank You.

Bothered to the point of being creeped out,
Me.

Dear Simon Cowell:

I completely agree with your assessment of Fantasia's performance last night on American Idol. The only thing that saved it in my opinion was this face:

which was caught gleefully on camera for about two whole seconds. Thank you for bringing me just a tad bit of joy during that hot mess of a train wreck.

Still laughing -

Me

P.S. button your shirt, you tool!

Dear Heart:

Sorry about the Burger King last week. Twice.

Regretfully yours,
me

Dear Swell Season:

Thank you. Just. . . thank you.

blissed out and yours -
me