Dear Guy at Target:

There are very few acceptable reasons to storm into the store, go straight to a check-out clerk, interrupt her while she's checking a customer out, and ask to speak to the manager immediately. The list is as follows:

-You are on fire.
-Your car is on fire.
-Your car is gone.
-Someone is mugging an old lady outside.
-Target is on fire and no one knows it.

Here is the reason you gave, (after the scared clerk mumbled 'ok', called her manager over and asked if there was a problem while you both waited):

-'Yeah, I need to buy a keychain and I don't want to have to look all over the store for them.'

Do you see the difference?

Completely disgusted at your entitled attitude -
Emily
(who DID walk all over the store to try and find some ribbon, without once asking for a manager.)

Dear HGTV -

I enjoy our show House Hunters, and I have for quite some time. I like seeing the different areas of the cities I have never been to. I like trying to guess what the real estate agent will show next. I even like betting on whether or not the couple/slash family will stay within the budget first stated. (Usually not.) ( "Hi, I'm the economy, have we met? No? Have you met my friend the housing market, he got in a little bit of trouble a while ago - didn't hear about it? Good. Good. Welcome home!")

I like seeing the three top choices that families have when looking for a new house, and I love picking the one I would move into. Although, this does end up with me yelling at the TV when a wrong (according to me) decision is made. ('But house #3 had hardwood floors and neutral bedroom colors!! NEUTRAL COLORS!!')

It is also a great TV show to have on when I am also perusing the interwebs or playing Word With Friends on my phone because I am interested but not that invested. Sometimes naps even occur while watching your show, but I don't view that as a bad thing.

What I am not ok with however, is the new version: House Hunters International.

I have never really seen a more pretentious show in my life.

I don't need to see a family from England looking for an extra vacation home in Fiji, or a couple from New York buying an estate in Sicily because someone's great-great-great grandmother grew up there and they want to connect with their heritage. (Why not just tell the truth and say you want the wine? There's no shame in that.)

In fact, here are recent things I have actually heard people say on House Hunters International:

'This view of the ocean is nice, but we'd really enjoy it if we also had an infinity pool in our backyard instead of a regular one.'

'I like the first house, but I think the second house would make my family more jealous.'

'If we have a child, all seven bedrooms might be a necessity.'

'We have to be close to the capital, in case the American President ever comes and visits.'

'If I can't walk to the beach in less than thirty steps, I am too far away from the beach.'

'I know I am in Italy and when people move out of their house in Italy it is totally normal and acceptable for them to take everything in the kitchen with them, but I am a whiny American and I want you to find me a house where they are willing to sell me everything including the mixer and knives and the clothes hamper in the third bathroom - and oh - did I tell you I am moving here because I want my family to embrace a new culture?'

(I might have made that last one up.)

Anyway, you get the idea. They are less than charming, and I find it hard to watch.

Because as it stands now, I tend to root against these people getting a house at all, let alone a four bedroom, three bathroom ocean-side villa in New Zealand.

Sincerely yours,
(Hope you are not mad about the sleeping part (seriously, not a bad thing!)),

Emily B
future star of House Un-hunters: Living in one house for fifty years and feelin' fine.

Dear Time Warner Cable:

I saw a commercial today in which you were telling all your wonderful customers about how you were changing the line-up of your channels. The guy in the blue shirt who was telling me this seemed really excited about these big improvements coming. But here's what I say to you -

Stop. Messing. With. The. Channels.

Do you know this is the third time in three months that you have messed up my channels? Do you know that every time you mess with the line-up my TV is messed up for a week while I try to find the Food Network which is now 987 instead of 234? Do you know how annoying it is to search through the 200+ channels(because every channel is tripled on the line-up plus the HD version) trying to 'favorite' Comedy Central so I can watch The Colbert Report?

Not cool, Time Warner, not cool.

Sincerely,
Reading More books in KC

Dear City of Overland Park

You may not accept my online first aid certification, but I am still gonna claim it for my taxes next year. And you should really put that in the ordinance - the fact that you don't accept certain kinds of certification.

Thanks for being jerks,
me

Dear Hasbro - makers of 'My Little Pony' figures -

Why on Earth would you make your Christmas box set of five collectible ponies so unwrappable for the holidays?

I imagine somebody said 'Hey, you know what's reallly hard to wrap? A circle. Let's make our collectors box a circle!'

And then someone else just for fun added 'No, what's really hard to wrap is a circle that's not completely full. Like maybe 3/4 of a circle. That would be impossible.'

And then, because you hate Christmas, you decided to do it.

You owe me $4.99 for the big red bag I had to buy.

-E

Dear Women of the world:

I know that to some of you this may be hard to hear - but from what I gather by observing every time I go to a department store (or Target,) this just has to be said.

Step away from the clothing racks in the Juniors Department.

Number one - the sizes here will make you feel incredibly big. You are not really the size those clothes will tell you that you are.
Number two - there are a lot of things that a 13 year old can wear that you or I cannot carry off. Trust me when I say this. Examples include T-shirts with Children's Shows' characters on them, jean leggings, and striped sweater socks.
Number three - the clothes do not have room for ample-bossomed ladies. Not that I am one, I am just letting them know.
Number four - Stacey and CLinton from What Not to Wear and Tim Gunn would not approve of you being in the Junior's Department, and isn't that enough for anybody?

Sincerely,
a woman who had to learn this lesson for herself.

Dear Facebook

I really don't like how you keep trying to covertly get all up in my mix. Quit trying to publish my phone number, my dating histories, my photos, my address, and where I got my coffee this morning. It's invasive, unnecessary, and creepy. Additionally, NO ONE F****** CARES WHERE I BUY GROCERIES.



MYOB,



Me.