Dear Hasbro - makers of 'My Little Pony' figures -

Why on Earth would you make your Christmas box set of five collectible ponies so unwrappable for the holidays?

I imagine somebody said 'Hey, you know what's reallly hard to wrap? A circle. Let's make our collectors box a circle!'

And then someone else just for fun added 'No, what's really hard to wrap is a circle that's not completely full. Like maybe 3/4 of a circle. That would be impossible.'

And then, because you hate Christmas, you decided to do it.

You owe me $4.99 for the big red bag I had to buy.

-E

Dear Women of the world:

I know that to some of you this may be hard to hear - but from what I gather by observing every time I go to a department store (or Target,) this just has to be said.

Step away from the clothing racks in the Juniors Department.

Number one - the sizes here will make you feel incredibly big. You are not really the size those clothes will tell you that you are.
Number two - there are a lot of things that a 13 year old can wear that you or I cannot carry off. Trust me when I say this. Examples include T-shirts with Children's Shows' characters on them, jean leggings, and striped sweater socks.
Number three - the clothes do not have room for ample-bossomed ladies. Not that I am one, I am just letting them know.
Number four - Stacey and CLinton from What Not to Wear and Tim Gunn would not approve of you being in the Junior's Department, and isn't that enough for anybody?

Sincerely,
a woman who had to learn this lesson for herself.

Dear Facebook

I really don't like how you keep trying to covertly get all up in my mix. Quit trying to publish my phone number, my dating histories, my photos, my address, and where I got my coffee this morning. It's invasive, unnecessary, and creepy. Additionally, NO ONE F****** CARES WHERE I BUY GROCERIES.



MYOB,



Me.

Dear Tom Cruise:

I just wanted to say that I am actually sincerely sorry your new movie 'Knight and Day' did not do well at the box office this past weekend. I wanted you to know that I actually saw the movie and thoroughly enjoyed it.

Sure, you've done some pretty weird things, and said some pretty weird things, and we probably don't even know half of it. But it seems that as a country we just can't seem to get past your antics and see you as a character in a movie.

I admit I wouldn't ever really want to talk to you in person, and I might actually be afraid and switch to the other side of the sidewalk if I saw you walking towards me. But that's no reason to not see your movie. I think.

Still love Top Gun,
me

Dear people of the employed world:

In my life of 'serial employment' (which is, of right now, quite stable) I have had several jobs. Some great, some not so great. In either case, even if I did not like the job, or the job did not like me (I'm looking at you, crazy day spa lady) I learned great lessons. I would like to pass these lessons onto you, in the hope that in doing so, you, a professional in your own right, might be helped in some way.

Our first lessons involve this question:

'Emily, how do I know if I have accepted a job on a sinking ship, (i.e. a company going under?)'

Well - here are some things that should worry you if you see them in your new place of employment.

1. On your first day of work, you meet another employee who says "My name is _____, but don't worry about learning it, because this is my last day in this place."

2. When you are choosing your workspace, it takes a while because there are several available desks/rooms.

3. There is dust on the fake plant in the bathroom. As well as the kleenex box cover and the soap pump. And the picture frame. And nothing to dust with.

4. You can never order duplicate supplies for your job. When you ask why, the answer is that there is not enough cash flow for more than one box of staples at a time.

5. The owner mans the phones because they haven't hired a replacement for the last receptionist, and nobody can get up enough courage to ask when they will hire a new one.

6. Also, when the owner goes to lunch, you have to man the phones because of the whole 'lack-of-receptionist' thing.

7. You can plan an hour nap here or there because you are not that busy.

8. A lot of your supplies have been bought for yourself by yourself.

9. The second bathroom has never been used by anybody, there is never enough spillover from the first one. And even if they wanted to use the second bathroom, they couldn't because the toilet has been broken since before you started working there.

10. No one is hired after you, even though people are slowly disappearing left and right.

11. You can't throw out the stained towels because then you wouldn't have any towels at all. And no, you can't buy any new ones due to the aforementioned 'cash flow' problem.

12. The owner has an office, but is never in there. Mostly because he/she is looking at MySpace and Facebook all day on the front computer.

13. When you think of a great marketing strategy to reach out to clients with a personalized mailing, you are told 'Oh yeah, we have some postcards around here somewhere. Maybe in your room? You can look for them.'

14. Light bulbs are of no importance. If one of yours blows out, you just shuffle bulbs around from another workspace. Just take one from the pedicure/manicure room, because in the three months you have worked there, nobody has booked a pedicure or manicure. In fact, come to think of it, you don't think there is a person on staff who can do nails at all.

and for the kicker:

11. A co-worker pulls you aside and tells you in these exact words "This place has been a sinking ship for months now. If I was you, I would be looking for a new job"

And that, my friends, is just one of my many ghosts-of-jobs-past. Stay tuned for next week's installment - 'Emily, how can I make working at a call center more entertaining?' (Hint: Not much)

Here's to helping you while being able to laugh at my own weird jobs-
and of course, yours sincerely,
me.

Dear people who make 'relaxation music' for a living to sell to spas, massage places, and such-

There are some things that are not relaxing and therefore, should not be included in your music. One such noise would be a dolphin call. To an untrained ear, this sounds like a cat fight, or a baby screaming. Neither of those things are relaxing to anybody. I can think of a lot more noises I have heard while listening to 'relaxing' music on our xfm station that are disturbing, but for right now, let's just leave out the screaming dolphins.
Sincerely,
A massage therapist that is forced to listen to your music

Dear Yahoo Sports:

I appreciate that you give me my sports news in a timely and wonderful manner. I like not having to navigate through espn.com sometimes when it is is bogged down with stories and articles I don't care about. But as far as this picture is concerned:




Do you hate KU? Or just Sherron Collins?

Sincerely -
somebody who's got better pictures of Sherron on her phone then you have got on your front page.

Dear Writers, Producers, Cast and Crew of 'Lost':

Still more questions that answers, my friends. Way more questions than answers.

Just waiting -
me

Dear Target Corp:

Well Hello!!

I just wanted to let you know that it might be time to rethink your posters at the end of the check-out aisles that talk about 'Doing Good in the Community'.

It's not that I don't believe you, or that I think the posters are ugly, it's simply a matter of poor graphic design at the bottom of the poster. Your poster advertises that you 'Do Good' with a '%' sign in the middle. But in one of the circles there is a five, to get the message across that 5% of your retail sales go to the community.

I get it, I understand what you are going for, but it looks like your message is 'Do only 5% good, the other %95 is up to you.'

It makes me giggle silently to myself every time.

Just looking out for you,
me